Hello there,
Is it just me, or has the energy been all over the place these past few days? Somehow, things have felt turbulent yet sluggish all at once. It’s been a creative week in a way I didn’t quite expect (or even realize, until I sat down to write this). I looked back at all this week’s happenings, and it turns out I’ve come up with two drawings, a poem, and dare I say the best iced vegan matcha latte I’ve ever made for myself (the kind of not-milk you use makes all the difference! Recipe at the end of this letter).
Yet I struggled to write this newsletter. I’ve been feeling incredibly stuck, music-wise. It turns out I’m out of storage on Soundcloud. I could pay for a premium account that would allow me more space, but I’m in such an in-between place with work (and life!) — it would feel imprudent to commit to a regular paid plan when I’m still getting my personal finances in order. I’m toying around with the idea of moving from Soundcloud over to Youtube, so I can start posting songs on short videos there. The idea feels exciting to me, and I’d love to know what you think (or if you have any other suggestions!).
Admittedly, though, I felt a sense of relief when Soundcloud notified me that I had filled up my account with songs and couldn’t upload anymore. I don’t really know how to talk about this, so I suppose I’ll just be honest — the lack of motivation I’ve been feeling towards music has brought up a lot of anxiety, to say the least.
At first I thought it would be reasonable, to take on a project that entailed a very rough recording of a song on a regular basis. After all, I used to do much more. When I was writing and singing a lot in high school and college, I’d practice almost every day. Other people share covers all the time on Youtube or Instagram or Tiktok. I thought it would just be like capturing a sliver of my time spent playing around with my guitar for a few minutes every week. But the truth is, I can’t even bring myself to do that — recording or no recording.
I don’t really know what to do. I’m just not into it right now. It’s been frustrating. I don’t feel inspired, and can’t even summon the desire to go through the rote, mechanical motions of just sitting down, playing some chords, and singing somebody else’s words. I decided not to force it this week—I’ve already pushed things back so much, I’m sending this newsletter out two days later than I normally do. I read my poem aloud instead. (You can listen to it with the audio player at the top of this email.)
I said yes to a lot of things this week: a few upcoming projects I’m looking forward to exploring, plus some personal endeavors I committed to on a whim. On Friday night, a friend spontaneously invited me to an online poetry workshop with Mahogany Browne — it was going to happen that same evening, my friend’s time, and in the morning for me. I texted back that I’d go, went to bed, and got up at 6 to hop onto the virtual event on Zoom. It was all about empowerment and learning to take up space. We talked about the late Cicely Tyson and watched a short video interview she did just this month. (“I’m amazed every day I live,” she said, still so wide-eyed and hopeful at ninety-six. Earlier, the interviewer had asked her, of her marriage to Miles Davis, “Do you think you could find love again?” to which she responded, “I haven’t.”).
Afterwards, we listened to Mahogany Browne read some of her poetry. I thought about about what it is to come into your own in a world that shackles you immediately with rules about what you should and shouldn’t do. Towards the end, we did a little writing exercise based on her work, which yielded the poem below.
How are you doing today? (I really want to know! Drop a comment or respond to this email, I’d love to hear about where you’re at, on the last day of this weird long-short month).
DISOBEDIENCE
i was instructed
to be very still
and very quiet
so as not to disturb
the pilotlike i could only inhabit
the space i’d been allotted
when i came, crumple-skinned
into this sea blue worldbut it was on me, they said,
to carry what they couldn’t
and through time i’ve buckled
with every feeling too big
for our arms to handlei keep walking around with my soul in my hands
like i’m hawking it out to the highest bidderbut there is more than one way
to skin a cat or gut a fish
or come crawling out of the gates
with your heart yawning open
MATCHA (ICED OR HOT!) 🍃
1) Boil water, then let it cool for a couple of minutes (the trick is to make sure it’s not too hot! because otherwise it burns the matcha tea).
2) Meanwhile, put 2 tsp matcha and 1-2 tsp of coconut sugar in a bowl.
3) For iced matcha, put ice in a glass and set aside. For hot matcha, heat almond milk in a pan (I do medium low fire) (Because I’m jurassic and don’t own a microwave). Milk brand matters! It’s a bit of a hit-or-miss thing with almond milk but I like So Good for its creamy texture.
4) Pour hot water into a 1/4 measuring cup, and then pour a small amount of that onto the matcha (just enough to make a paste).
5) Whisk into a paste until smooth (there should be no more clumps or granules)! If you’re making iced matcha, leave it at this. If you’re making hot matcha, add the rest of the water and whisk briskly in a zigzag motion.
6) For iced matcha, pour 1 cup of almond milk into bowl, mix well, and pour into your glass, over ice. For hot matcha, pour hot milk into bowl, mix, and pour into mug. Enjoy!!!
Album of the week
Shoutout to my friend F, who told me a funny story about how he got into FKA Twigs that convinced me to revisit this album, which I didn’t like the first time I heard it six (!!!) years ago. Crazy to think about how much our tastes and perceptions can change over time. I still feel like the same person, but am I really?
Voice Note #11 - Disobedience